Infantile Theory

I don’t have children; you may wonder at my audacity to blog about such things, so just in case you need them, here are some reasons I use to rationalize to myself that I am perfectly qualified to do so:

  • I have awoken in the middle of the night to the unmistakable sound of a sick child who didn’t make it all the way to the toilet. Cleaned up said puke, cleaned up said child, went back to bed, only so spend the rest of the night listening for more and ready to run to aid if needed.
  • I have remained calm while a child in my care had a fairly severe allergic reaction, and we didn’t know what it was (until months later when we realized that that the horses to which he had been feeding handfuls of grass through the fence were the culprit.)
  • I have had breakfast smeared from the table to the fireplace to the bathroom (don’t ask me how).
  • I have gotten 5 kids ready for church on Sunday morning. We all showed up on time in our right mind with our hair combed.
  • I have agreed to take children for the weekend, and invited other kids over to play with them only to find that they all had lice. Oh, yes, everyone was treated. Parents were informed. Then they went home, and then they came back weeks later and they had it again. Same story all over. While I avoided becoming a host to the nastiness myself, I can now spot a nit from 30 feet away.
  • I have bravely eaten the questionable creations of children’s “cooking” experimentation, and convincingly praised their efforts.

This list is limited, as full disclosure of my credentials would divert me from my topic. All I can say is that I salute all of you real parents out there.

I told you all of that, so that I can justify myself for having opinions about children. Are you ready?

Children are tiny maniacal scientists.

If they could read and write here is what their experimentation logs would look like:

Log 345, April 24th, 2014, 0145:


Experiment: Wake up every 2 hours, cry until someone comes to comfort me, after 30 min, go back to sleep for 1 hour, then cry again, repeat often. Determine the amount of sleep necessary to maintain a sense of humor in an average adult.

Log 897, October 1st, 2014, 1545:


Experiment: Find out if the cell phone will do the same thing in iced tea as it did when I dunked it in the glass of water. Will it result in the same amount of destruction? Is iced tea worse or better than water for electronic devices? Should I try coffee next if the results are the same? Drink it afterwards to determine whether or not electronics affect the flavor.

Plan B: If the results are the same as last time, (the cool phone with the buttons was a total loss), charm my way out of a lifetime ban on phone use via an adorable smile and snuggles. Mom loves it when I want to snuggle.

Log 968, December 27, 2014, 1326:


Experiment: Leave the new Legos on the floor where Mom will be sure to step on them. See if the pain level will distract her from the artistic rendition of her in two different colored shoes on the wall in the hallway. I used permanent marker this time. Crayons wash off too easily.

Log 2354…Cut off pigtail, blame Dracula. He’s scary, Mom and Dad will definitely believe he did it. How gullible are they?

Log 5639…Determine auntie’s level of intelligence by clocking how long it takes her to catch on when I refer to the donut that she had to use when she got the flat tire as a “cupcake”.

Log 8821…Tell Mom her singing sounds like “the music at one of those parties in San Diego”. I have no idea what I’m talking about but it sounds like I do. See if Mom knows anything about San Diego.

Log 10994…Impress parents by informing them of your superior knowledge of other continents. Tell the what you know about Africa. “Serengeti has camels and African American elephants” and reciting nursery rimes from memory, such as “Fee, fie, foe, fum! I smell the blood of an English Muffin!”. Test to see whether or not humor can alleviate the severity of a punishment.

Log 20753…Save baby bunny from the dog, nowhere to keep him but my toy castle in my bedroom. Monitor Mom’s anger level while wild animals are loose in the house.

I’m sure there are countless stories you could all could share and more that I could share, but I’ll keep it short this time.

A big thanks to my nieces, nephews, siblings, and weekend babies for providing the content of this topic. I hope it puts a smile on your face, and a chuckle in your throat.


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