Penguin Punching 101

I’m sure we’ve all had enough of election year political raving, and perhaps could use a break from the mundane day to day blogs, which all have something important to consider.

In order to assist sending you on a short politic and drama free mental vacation, today I’m going to tell you about the proper way to punch a penguin.

In order to participate in penguin punching, you’ll need the following equipment: Penguins, 1 or 2 dogs, 1 extra person who must be willing to chase and capture penguins, a submarine, and a map to Antarctica (so you can navigate your submarine).

I won’t go into why the submarine is important during this blog, that topic is for another day, maybe.

If you’re wondering why it is so important to know how to punch penguin, I use the following excuses to justify my cruelty:

1.)    They stink

2.)    That is all you need to know

Step 1:

You’ll need to locate your penguins. This is why I’ve chosen Antarctica, because the penguin populations are flourishing in spite of the extreme temperatures. We can blame global warming. Why not? It’s a convenient and overemployed reason. The oceans are getting warmer, which is killing the sea lions and the killer whales, which would normally eat the penguins (yes, I did just make that up).

You’ll use your map to get to Antarctica by submarine. I have no idea where you could find such a thing, but I’m sure it exists somewhere. I’m sure any 2 year old could draw one for you.

Step 2:

When you finally arrive, the first order of business will be to select a colony of penguins to terrorize. I would suggest one with a multitude of baby penguins, for the simple reason that they’re easier to catch.

Step 3:

Now that you’ve located the rookery of your choice, I recommend utilizing the dogs to herd them in a general direction, and most importantly, your person to chase and capture as many as you like. The dogs are helpful, but unless you have the proper person with you, you won’t be able to pull it off. This is not a one person job. Going alone would require you to capture and hold the penguins yourself and you’d be too exhausted for step 4.

Step 4:

Finally, it’s time for punching! Have your person hold the penguin reasonably still, look the penguin in the eye, look how cute and fluffy it is. If your resolve to punch begins to weaken, breathe the stench in deeply, and do your best.

Other notable uses for penguins:

  • Penguin Darts
  • Tuxedo design
  • Lively orca bait
  • Penguin bowling

The point of all this?

The thing is, I’ve seen folks put in more time and effort than a trip to Antarctica in a submarine to do harm, start rumors, and destroy someone’s character and reputation.

Penguin punching is much more satisfactory. Next time you might be tempted to get upset about someone’s opinion, personal belief, political leaning, or respond to hate and bitterness with hate and bitterness, the best option might be to punch a penguin instead.


2 thoughts on “Penguin Punching 101

  1. We actually got to walk through a submarine recently. I don’t recommend traveling in one unless you like cramped, closed spaces. Your readers may want to consider an alternate method of travel such as balloon (chilly but plenty of fresh air) or airplane (not much better than sub, unfortunately, but a whole lot faster).


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